Sunday, September 1, 2013

Blog Assignment #2: From "Girl" to Boy


Butter is for spreading on bread. It’s not meant to be eaten alone. Those ladies want their privacy. Stop flirting. They want to eat in peace. Yes, when you’ve eaten a lot, your stomach looks like a baby is inside, but some people have stomachs that look like that, and they do not have a baby inside. Don’t poke anyone’s stomach, and do not say, “Baby!” We can’t go swimming yet. We don’t have swimsuits, and we’ve just eaten. We have to wait 30 minutes. Yes, this dog is also named Toby. You know a man named Mr. Tobe. That doesn’t mean Mr. Tobe is a dog. If we see Mr. Tobe today, don’t call him a dog. Don’t put your head in those slats. You don’t want to get stuck. Yes I do!  Okay, maybe you do, but your head will grow bigger after you put it in, and it will be harder to get it out. Don’t hit your sister. That’s not the right thing to do. The playdough is dough. It’s made of the same things that make up bread, but you shouldn’t eat it.  Use your fork. I know the  noodle makes a funny noise, but you’re supposed to twirl it on your fork until it looks like this. Sit up. You can’t eat under the table. Yes, Miss Wendy’s skirt looks kind of like a tent, but you can’t be under there. If someone offers to share their chips, be sure to share your gummies. That gummy fell on the ground. Don’t eat it. Yellowjackets like gummies, but they sting. Yellowjackets are grumpy but not all the time. Yes, they stung mommy, but usually they’re just trying to say hello. I know you can’t breathe, but don’t pick your nose. Those are tiger stripes. All mommies have them. Mommies don’t like it when you poke at them. Yes, you can ride the carousel later, but only big kids get to grab for the brass ring. Little boys hold onto the pole with both hands. Daddy will have to go with you. Mommy gets dizzy. When an adult asks you a question, do your best to pay attention and answer. This is adult juice. You can try it when you’re older. Here’s a juice box. Those boys and girls out there are playing a game. What kind of a game? Why are they kissing? It’s a game little boys should not play until they’re older. You only kiss your mommy. See that lifeguard? When you do something wrong, she’ll smile at you. That’s to let you know she saw you doing something wrong. She knows. The next time, she won’t smile. She’ll yell.
If I’m not here, cling to the side. Use hand over hand like I taught you. Those are another little boy’s toys. He just left them for awhile and will want them back. No, you can’t play with them until he comes back. Yes, all ladies wear bras like mommy. Don’t pull their shirts down to see. That’s private. Why? Because they’re underclothes. They’re not meant to be outside clothes. Swimsuits are different. They look like underclothes, but there are no underclothes underneath them, so don’t pull them down, looking for a bra. Don’t climb up that net. You might get your head stuck. That bed is called a stretcher. People get on it when they’re not feeling good, and they’re taken in that car with the flashing lights to the hospital. Do they die? Yes, sometimes they die.
Don’t go too far into the water. You should still be able to touch. Swim toward me. Don’t swim away from me. Why? Because you don’t have arm floaties. Yes, I know that boy doesn’t have arm floaties, but he can swim. If you can swim, you don’t need arm floaties.  If you can’t swim, you need arm floaties. Yes, that’s a type of floatie those ladies are in, and yes, they can probably swim. But they don’t have a mommy who worries about them. Well, they have mommies who worry about them, but their mommies worry about other things. Some day, you’ll be able to swim as far out as you’d like, but today you need to stay were you can touch, okay?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Blog Assignment #1: Introduction


My friends will tell you that I am creative, a morning person, an animal lover, a good cook, etc.

One thing most people don't know about me is I haven't always wanted to be a teacher. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a police officer. I'm still fascinated by prisons and would love to teach a creative writing workshop to inmates.
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Five years from now, I will own rather than rent a home. I want a house with a red door.

A famous person I admire is Margaret Atwood because she writes the sorts of novels I'd like to write.

The bravest thing I ever did was rappel from a bridge without the aid of a mechanical device.

I really need to get back to Gold's Gym. My fees get automatically deducted from my checking account every month, but I don't go. It's a bit like a fat tax.

My favorite class is every class I get the opportunity to teach.

My friends make me laugh when they do spot-on celebrity impersonations. I laugh harder when they imitate me.

My pet peeve is people who spout opinions with no evidence to back their assertions.

When I am sad, I eat things that are bad for me in copious quantities. I firmly believe that Fazzari's pizza is the solution to many of life's problems.

The most stressful thing in my life is my commute.  I live half of the week in Spokane and half of the week in Lewiston. My fiance teaches at a community college in Spokane. Sometimes I feel a little like a gypsy. I am always in transit, with a carload of clothing, school-related items, and my dog, Zeke. My year-old car has over 22,000 miles on it.

The most influential person in my life is my grandmother.

If I had one hundred dollars, I would take my sweetie on a sushi and movie date.

I am named for a nurse on a soap opera my mom used to watch.

It is difficult to learn student names. I'm terrible with names. I meet over 100 new students every semester, and my brain can't process all those names. It will take me awhile. Be patient with me. If you post photos on your blog, that will help  Also, if you see me on campus, smile, point to yourself, and say your name. I'll soon remember you :)

I have no regrets about watching TV. My favorite TV series are the gritty ones on Showtime and HBO. Breaking Bad is probably my recent favorite. On cable, I'm a fan of silly shows like Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, and Duck Dynasty.

A friend once showed me how to do African dance. As with all other forms of dance, I'm not so good at it...

I like alternative music on the XM Alternative Nation station, particularly alt-J, Daft Punk, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Of Monsters and Men, etc.

My favorite color is red.

One dish I can cook well is jambalaya.

My favorite place on earth is a three-way tie between Idaho, Montana, and New Orleans.



Meet Charles, one of the coolest cats on the planet. He's one of my two furry children (the other being my dog, Zeke, who is a German Shepherd/Pitbull cross).